Check the date. This is not an April Fools prank. This is not a hoax. This is not an attempt to prove that you are a gullible slob of a gamer who embodies every stereotype. This is real. This is happening.
Mountain Dew Test New Doritos Flavour Drink
That’s right. It looks like I could soon be amending my post about the great American invention that is Mountain Dew, with the brand trialing a new flavour in college towns in the states. Partnering with another brand that constitutes the other half of the typical diet among gamers, stoners and the lazy – so, college kids – the real-life Slurm manufacturer has revealed its next product sure to cause similar controvery to its past possibles, which include drinks that could’ve been called “Hitler did nothing wrong” and “Diabeetus”.
The partner? Manufacturer of plain tortilla chips covered in gross orange finger-coating cheese flavoured powder. The company that causes disgusting fingerprints on textbooks and homework around the world as well as that awful orange goop that stays in your fingernails for days. Doritos.
Doritos and Mountain Dew have long been staples of the lazy man’s diet. This new product will revolutionise the lives of many lazy people – ensuring they only need to buy one product to fuel their marathon Call of Duty sessions, hotbox nights and/or strenuous periods of browsing pictures of cats on the internet.
This new drink – Mountain Dew Dewritos – will ensure that the orange dust, really the only drawback of Doritos, will cease to be a problem, and Mountain Dew will taste more like cheese, which in modern America is synonymous with “better”. Everybody wins, and you won’t get any beef from your doctor for your poor lifestyle choices. You have chose to completely cut out Doritos from your diet? Well done you. Now drinking a few cans of Mountain Dew every now and again doesn’t sound so bad.
So if you’re sitting on a couch somewhere and you’ve just been sniped by some little camping bitch and you’re about to insult his mother, just remember, all your dreams may be about to come true. Put down the headset and the controller, and know that soon everything will be right with the world.
Unless it turns out to be exactly what you’ve been told it will be, which is a blend of Mountain Dew and Doritos.